wieso tust du mir das an?
wir sind freunde, hast du gesagt.
sowas macht man nicht unter freunden.
glaubst du wirklich ich steig mit dir ins bett
wenn du mit deinem Alkoholatem ankommst,
grob meine Schulter packst,
versuchst mich zu küssen.
du bist nichteinmal du selbst,
wachst nicht auf,
sie lachen.
über dich lachen sie,
und ein wenig auch über mich.
ich weiß nicht was ich sagen soll.
schließlich sitzen die beiden jetzt auch noch hier.
ich erkenne dich nicht wieder.
nicht den den ich lieben lernte,
den in den ich mich wohl auch etwas verliebt hab-
hatte.
aber jetzt widerst du mich an,
zumindest ein wenig.
in diesem moment,
doch ich bin noch benebelt
von einer Erinnerung an dich,
die doch ganz schön war.
Es war doch ganz gut.
Wir, du, ich.

Jetzt haben sie dich eingepackt.
Werd ich das bereuen?
Erleichtert, alleine.
Alleine, erleichtert.
Was siegt?

I know it's not a new thing - it's the same fucking problem it has ever been.
I have a hard time opening up to people. I sit there and stare at them and I wanna say something but it just doesn't come out right. The words just don't come out.
I have just no clue how I became like this. When did it all - did I go wrong?
It's not like i didn't get enough love. Because I did. From my friends, and my family.
What's the first word that comes to mind? Love-Lust-Sex-Guilt-Lies
It's getting harder and harder to see the truth. For myself I mean.
I act like I'm this fun, maybe confident person. I used to be good at it.
Truth is, I am quiet. Not because I don't have anything to say. Or maybe...
You can see this, you know this. You don't know me though. Not really.
Not at all.
I mean... nothing. Never mind. Doesn't matter. All good. I'm fine.
Something needs to change because I'm not getting any better.
It's only getting worse.
It's not easy for anyone. I think when we look at people we forget how hard it can be to put this face on, to act fine, to say you're having fun.
Because you feel obligated.
I could never tell people I didn't like something. In general I mean. I cannot admit that maybe I didn't have a great time or maybe I don't like all that.
And I feel stupid because I see people I love falling apart and just think I don't have it that bad, because actually everything is fine. The only obstacle is me.
Perfect fucking life.
Maybe I always had it too easy. Maybe that's why I never got good at life.
And in the end I just feel like none of that matters. Because nothing really matters and these are the days when I wonder whether its worth it to get out of bed.
My only problem is that I have none.
Now I'm only rambling. But I get out of bed. Everyday. Usually. Because I don't wanna let anyone down.
And that's kinda how it's always been. But maybe I forgot about me. Maybe I let myself down.

Shut the fuck up and stop being so melodramatic. Pathetic. Fits.